Swim, Cry, Bike, Panic, Run!

Hi all,

It’s been a few weeks…8 to be exact… but who’s counting (I hope all of you). Honestly, I’ve been feeling pretty uninspired on the writing side of things and every time I have sat down to write I’ve found some way to push it off. It’s a reminder of how easily a missed day can turn into something more if you let it build overtime. But, the best part about life is you can always come back, and you don’t need a reason for when or why you do. So here I am, once again, asking for your forgiveness as I try to get back on track. 

Since we last talked, I was a few weeks away from starting my second 70.3 training block… and now I’m about to be finished with week 7 - almost halfway through training! 

Things have definitely ramped up with my training, social, and family obligations the past few months.I think in general I am more overwhelmed than I care to admit with everything I am trying to accomplish right now. I feel like I’m trying to do everything at once which is leading me to prioritize nothing, a tale as old as my time here on earth. But, it’s hard out here when there’s no guidelines or rulebooks or teachers or bosses! I am now my own manager, teacher, coach, boss, and person and I’m starting to realize I need to begin to delegate some things, or at the very least create some structure in this very new and uncertain (but exciting!) phase of my life. I think I may be doing myself a disservice by not closing at least some doors right now. Although that’s funny because I also have been saying I want a 9-5 again, so it seems I can’t decide if I am too busy or not busy enough. I think I might just be craving the structure and stability a 9-5 offers that is severely lacking in my life right now. I’m going to wait until I’m officially NASM certified (hopefully by May!) and can teach classes/take on some clients before I make any big decisions on that front. 

Now onto training. 

In true triathlon fashion, let’s start with the swim. I’ve been going to my moms masters swim practice this training block at the same pool and with the same coach I had as an 8&under little swimmer (nick cavataro, a westchester legend). A true full circle moment in my life. Actually Nick kicked me out of his program early on in my kiddie career because my head was always underwater and I was never following instructions (this was a problem throughout my childhood…). His actual words to my mom were “if she doesn’t get her damn head out of the water…”. Turns out, there was actually a sport for that…enter my 12 year long diving career. And now here I am, right back where I started, hopefully annoying Nick a little less and following instructions a little more.

summer swim circa 2002😭

The 4am wakeups for practice have been literally so brutal… but also amazing? You know when something is so hard that it becomes great? That’s how this feels. Maybe I just enjoy pain. I don’t think I have ever consistently gotten up this early in my life, 7 am used to be an early morning for me even throughout grad school and into my 9-5. There is something really exhilarating about getting so much done before the sun comes up and mostly everyone is still sleeping (it’s a great high until I crash around 1 pm). 

Leaving T1 and getting on the bike now.

I had my first outdoor ride of training this week. I had not been on my bike since September and I was SO anxious going into it. I feel like when I talk about my anxiety some people don’t realize how bad it actually was/is and everything I have had to overcome to get to where I am right now. I literally couldn’t do normal daily adult activities like go for a run outside or drive a car or take an elevator or stay home alone for a very very long time. Anxiety has been in control of my life for as long as I can remember, and it was only recently that I started to take some of that control back. The idea of me clipping into a road bike and training for half ironmans and putting myself out there on social media would have just been unfathomable to me even just 3 years ago.

Getting some cool footage curtesy of my new insta360 bike cam <3

So I thought on this ride I was going to fall or make a wrong turn or hit a car and you know I almost let these intrusive thoughts win and not go. But, the best part about my training account is I feel accountable to all of you so genuinely you helped me get back out there this week. Here’s your reminder that it’s normal to be scared and if there’s one thing that demonstrates courage and resilience it’s being scared and doing it anyways. I feel like a lot of people see endurance athletes and think wow they must not be scared of anything, and yeah maybe some of them aren’t. But I read something recently that said you’re not really doing anything special if you’re not scared, and I think there’s something so powerful in that. So, I’m here to tell you, you can have a panic attack and cry and also get back on that bike - I mean that’s literally what I did at my first 70.3. There’s a recording and everything courtesy of a bike mechanic who didn’t think I should be racing to show for it, which at some point (when I am a bit farther removed from the trauma…) I will have to show you all. 

The best part about being a woman is that we aren’t scared to show how scared we are, and that’s something I hope I never lose as I get older and maybe raise tiny humans myself. This shows so much more resilience and courage to me than someone who just toughs it out, straight faced and stoic to the finish line. The emotional hurdles I had to overcome made the finish line that much more meaningful to me. 

I have been thinking about edging even more into the uncomfortable and trying aero bars for this next race. It’s a high elevation race so even though it won’t make a huge difference in my time, I think getting comfortable in aero sooner rather than later will be worth it long-term for me. It also takes me longer than the average person to get adjusted and comfortable so I may as well start now, right?

Now onto the last leg of the race…the run! 

One of the biggest shifts I’ve noticed this block so far has actually been here. For the first time ever, I’ve been able to stay in zone 2 for most of my easy and long runs (for me that's 140-150 HR). I was worried about dropping mileage after marathon training, but focusing on targeted sessions, combined with the added cross and strength training this block, has actually improved the quality of my runs. The best part about training for an endurance event like a half ironman is seeing such measurable progress, especially in the beginning. Watching your stats steadily climb and feeling yourself get fitter and fitter throughout each block is incredibly rewarding. It’s made me even more excited for my race in June (which is Happy Valley 70.3 for those that have been following along!). I think I could realistically aim for ~8:30 run pace, which would be huge. 

Now onto the 4th disciple of triathlon - fueling and supplements.

I’m not really a big supplements girl and have basically just taken my multivitamins for as long as I can remember (+iron/B12, shouts to my fellow anemic girlies out there). Part of this is because I do think the supplement industry is out of hand with a lot of misinformation and therefore overwhelming and hard for me to navigate. But, I also think sometimes I am just very resistant to change. Anyways, some of you were quite convincing about creatine in my DMs, and so after doing some of my own research of the physical and mental health benefits, I decided to give it a try. I’m about two weeks in and haven’t noticed anything significant yet, but will keep you all posted. I am also finally experimenting with different fuel after two years of never trying anything else besides GU gels (back to me being resistant to change lol). So far, I really like a variety of what I have tried (precision fuel gels are my current favorite) and I honestly can’t believe it’s taken me so long to try other brands and forms of fuel during training. Here’s your reminder that it’s OK to try new things! You might even find some of your new favorites in doing so!

Now onto something new for me this block….strength training! 

A few months ago I came to the startling realization that I could not do a full pull up (or many other essential strength exercises), and that despite being able to complete the floor portion of a barry’s workout (and 2 marathons and an ironman 70.3) I am in fact actually not as ‘strong’ as I would have liked to have both you and me believe. Which I mean makes sense, considering my strength routine was about 20 minutes of 10lb weights a week. So, I decided to really take strength seriously this training block, not just for my performance but for my long term health and longevity. I started an 8 week progressive build program with an online coach and am using all of the equipment that used to intimidate me and as it turns out (surprise!) it actually is not that scary or complicated!

I’m on week 5 of this program and am already rapidly seeing improvement, not just in my training, but in everyday life. I’m noticing that things I pick up feel much lighter now, and household chores (like changing the poland springs water jug) are so much easier than they used to be. This is the first time in my life I’ve noticed this shift, and it’s been really empowering to feel. The amount of women who don’t strength train for fear of gaining weight, or getting bulky is staggering and it’s a big reason why women are about 4x more likely to develop osteoporosis later in life. I say this with so much love and understanding and empathy on how hard it is to be a woman in today’s world (like barbie said, it’s literally impossible.) - being strong is more important than being skinny, and that will never change regardless of what’s trending. With the rise of GLP-1s and “skinny” culture again, this time with a huge online presence, the noise of losing weight (and with it, muscle) feels louder than ever. As a female athlete trying to build strength and power, it can be really distracting. 

And I don’t say this coming from a place above it all. I have to remind myself every day that I am training to be strong, not small. 

I catch myself thinking things like “maybe I’m eating too much. what if I lost 10 pounds? would i look better? would i be faster? would more brands want to work with me?”

Something that has helped me with these thoughts, and the comparison game I have found myself drawn to lately, is noticing them, and without judgement letting them pass by. Comparison and self-doubt are so normal, especially in this phase of life, where you’re reaching for a goalpost that doesn’t exist. Not to mention social media thrives off us being stuck here. But, these thoughts are only as powerful as you let them be. You can let them consume you, or you can give up your control in order to gain it back. 

It’s like trying meditation for the first time. The biggest thing I’ve learned is that it’s completely normal to be interrupted by your thoughts. Meditation isn’t a lack of interruption or negative thinking, it’s coming back to yourself, and restarting with empathy, time and time again. I think this is a great and powerful principle to carry with you in life and apply outside of meditation. 

This way of thinking has helped me a lot this training block having encountered not just a few interruptions and weekends filled with bachelorettes, weddings, and everything in between. But, it’s been a good reminder that training is not my entire life. I’ve had to remind myself I’m allowed to prioritize other things that matter to me too. The best way for me to find longevity, success, and happiness in this sport is to make it sustainable. I’ve shifted my long bricks and runs earlier in the week to make it work recently, and I know that flexibility is definitely a privilege that not everyone has. But wherever you can be flexible, it will only help you to do so in the long term. No week is ever going to be perfect. Life will always find some way to interrupt you, so consistency is what matters the most. And I think a big part about staying consistent is what you choose to focus on. 

I read something recently about how elite athletes focus on small, immediate goalposts instead of looking towards the finish line or around their competitors. It’s like when you’re climbing a brutal hill, you don’t look at the top. You just pick a spot in front of you, get there, then pick the next one. That’s how you move forward. And that’s how life works too.

So, as I move through this training block, I want to stay focused on why I started:

I do this for a younger version of me that thought anxiety would control my life forever.

I do this to feel strong, capable, and brave, not skinny and instagram worthy.

I do this to inspire other women to try things that scare them.

I do this to show that small, consistent choices can change your life in ways you never thought possible.

And I’m really proud of every small step I take to get there, even if some days it feels like I’m at a standstill or even regressing backwards. 

And on that note, hopefully there will be less than 8 weeks between now and when we talk again, because that was a lot!

Did you miss me? I know I missed you. 

Xoxo gossip girl