You Are Not Broken🤍

Hi guys,

First and foremost, as I’m sure many of you can relate, it’s been hard to focus on or write about anything lately given the current state of the world. What’s happening right now is hard to even process let alone put into words. It feels like we are living simultaneously in the year 3000 and in the 1940s (or earlier), accelerating forward while being dragged backward, stuck in some strange dystopian future.

At the same time, I’m a firm believer that nothing gets done if you stop living. I read something recently about how continuing to find joy during difficult times isn’t selfish, it’s actually essential for progress as a society. Research shows that the people who create the most positive impact are often the happiest ones. Focusing on yourself during hard seasons is a non-negotiable in order to show up for others and make an impact. My therapist said to me recently: “There is no lump sum of suffering to distribute evenly.”  Your struggles are valid, no matter how small they might feel right now. And you can’t help others until you take care of yourself.

I’ve been reading one page of The Daily Stoic each morning this year (a Christmas gift from my brother who thought it might be good for me...). It’s been really grounding for me as someone who is overwhelmed by anxiety from the moment I wake up each morning. Stoicism reminds me that I can only control the actions and choices I make, and that everything else is outside of control. This has been a really simple, but healing intention for me every morning. That said, it does not grant you permission to disengage from the world or stop caring about others. It’s an understanding that while you can’t control how others act, you can control how you show up. And that distinction matters.

Going to have a quick intermission here to tell you to stop reading, listen to Noah Kahan's new song, and then continue. He is truly the songwriter (if not voice, sorry Lena) of our generation and has a way of expressing feelings you weren't even sure you were carrying yet. This song has so many layers, and although supposedly written about religion, it speaks to the current state of the world and where we find ourselves right now.

OK welcome back, I hope your soul was changed as much as mine.

With this insane cold weather and seemingly endless snow in the northeast right now I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on how I got here, what I’m doing, and where I want to go. I went to a small all-girls school for 12 years of my life. I loved and hated every second of it, and would choose it again every time. The bonds formed in all girls' spaces are so special and irreplaceable. I was a diver for most of that time and really interested in science, math, and writing/philosophy. I entered college pre-med, but decided pretty early on that was not the career path for me. 

Now, 10 years later, I’m back in the pool (swimming this time), building a community of women in endurance sports, and studying the science behind exercise to become NASM CPT certified. It’s interesting how, in some ways, you end up right where you started. You will never get to know how things unfold, but sometimes the pull has been there all along. And in other ways, I feel almost unrecognizable from who I was a decade ago. But, both things can be true at once. And I think that’s the cool part. You’re allowed to pivot, evolve, and become many different versions of yourself throughout your life.

One of my favorite cognitive scientists, Maya Shankar, talks about something called the “End of History Illusion”. We tend to believe that who we are right now is who we’ll be forever. We recognize how much we’ve changed from who we used to be, but we struggle to imagine that we’ll continue changing just as much in the future. As Warren Buffett famously said, “People overestimate what they can do in a year and underestimate what they can do in a decade.”

Rich Roll (the one male not going through JE withdrawal) recently did a podcast episode on how intimidating passion can be. We are taught to think it has to be this big, dramatic, all-consuming thing you need to find early on in life. But sometimes passion is simply something you enjoy. You commit to it, and over time that commitment can create purpose, or not. This really resonated with me. For a long time, I felt like I didn’t have a passion, just a few things I was above average at and a really hard work ethic. The only way I found one was by lowering the stakes and letting myself try things. Curiosity is the prerequisite to any “passion”. Now I can confidently say I’m passionate about endurance sports, all women’s spaces, exercise science, and mental health, but I only found that out by experimenting and paying attention to what kept pulling me back again and again.

Some people stay passionate about one thing forever. Others feel their passions ebb and flow or shift entirely (and neither is better than the other). I listened to an interview recently with Olympian Gabby Thomas where she talks about struggling with her relationship to her passion for running, and even resenting it sometimes. She’s one of the best athletes in the world, and yet she still struggles to define her passion at times.

For some reason we were taught to believe that one lifelong passion is the ultimate goal, and if it ever fades away, you’ve failed in some way. But, I actually think there’s something really special about having multiple passions throughout your life. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re living. So, give yourself time to explore what you want, without turning it into pressure, because it might just be the first of many passions for you throughout your very full, layered, and wonderful life. 

And for me, I’m going to keep doing this for as long as I’m passionate about it. I’m incredibly grateful to be able to show up so authentically in every aspect of my life right now, and I owe that to all of you.

After a lot of requests for an open forum/group for women in triathlon I created “Cool Girls Tri” on Facebook!  It’s been so fun hearing your stories, putting faces to names, and seeing you all connect with one another. Linking it for you below <3

& thank you to everyone who joined last month’s Train Payne Q&A! It was great getting to talk to everyone in real time -  our next Q&A is on Tuesday 2/10 at 8:30 pm. I pushed the time back a bit to accommodate for those of you working later/in different time zones so I hope to see even more of you there! Going to add the new link to my insta bio.

Alsooo I’m hosting a talk in late February with a special guest who will share his wealth of experience and knowledge in the endurance sports space with us all. More to come on that soon!

Until then, 

Put some good into all the bad out there. 

Caleigh❤️‍🔥